This is my truth.

so....

2009-10-19T20:42:28Z

I quit.
Brookstone that is, somewhere around a week ago.
Because I flat out refuse to sign paperwork writing me up as a no call no show, when I notify the eejit boss in question that I couldn't do the shift since it was conflicting with my primary job of counting things, and not just counting things but telling other people to count to since I was running the damn store.

Now simpe economics, Brookstone was $8 an hour but came with a 30% discount which was nothing to sneeze at when you want things from the store. RGIS is $10 an hour and I've had it longer. When I'm "the boss" I make anywhere from $12 to $15 depending on the size of the store. Easy call money wise which to pick, not to mention the resposibility of the store was mine, if I'd just been counting something mighta been able to be done.

I tried every damn thing I had available the instant I knew about the conflicting schedules. Called everyone who worked there trying to swap shifts or just giving it up (of course if we were staffed with an extra or two the way we should be this wouldn't have been an issue). I struck out, so I told him leaving in the store managers hands. It's his store and technically his responsibility.
I told him a couple days in advance, and again the day before. And somehow he decides he's justified to write me up as a no call, no show? Really?
So I wrote a reply to the sticky note telling me to sign the paperwork saying sign this before your shift, on a pair of sticky notes, the first detailing that I liked the job and the company and stating I felt in was unjustified writing me up as NCNS etc. and on the second in pretty caligraphy and magic marker I Quit. (DE is a no fault state which means you don't have to give two weeks notice its just polite to do so)
He wasn't there to talk to and had kept bitching about my schedules historically which pretty much led me to firmly decide talking to him about it would've been a waste of time.
When I hired on there the arrangement was I filled in, big time at holidays when RGIS is dead, and less when we were busy. One or two shifts a week pretty much just enough to put gas in the car etc. Which was usually no biggie, except big short man decided he wanted us to be good (and few) little peons and work more all the time, instead of a number of us doing smaller shifts. Which is stupid since most people in retail have two jobs, even the ones who work 40 a week.
Oh well I'll miss the discount, and he gets to miss someone who was consistantly one of the top three in the damn store if not higher.

On to a new job.... ooooh lovesac is hiring (I heart giant bean bags)

laughing hysterically

2009-10-19T17:54:42Z

mmmm coffee

2009-09-04T18:01:07Z

You Are a Black Coffee

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable

At your worst, you are: grumpy and stressed

You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it

Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

The First Rule of Blogthings Is: You Don't Talk About Blogthings

this appeals to me for whatever reason

2009-08-11T17:53:50Z

brightfyre @ 2009-06-13T01:57:00

2009-06-13T06:07:41Z

Rules:
- Bold all of the following TV shows which you've ever seen 3 or more episodes of in your lifetime.
- Italicize a show if you're positive you've seen every episode of it.

24

7th Heaven
ALF
Alias
American Gothic
America's Next Top Model
Angel
Arrested Development
Babylon 5
Batman: The Animated Series
Battlestar Galactica (the old one)
Battlestar Galactica (the new one)
Baywatch
Beverly Hills 90210
Bewitched
Bonanza
Bones
Bosom Buddies
Boston Legal
Boy Meets World
Brothers And Sisters
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Californication
Chappelle's Show
Charlie's Angels
Charmed
Cheers
Chuck
Clarissa Explains it All
Columbo
Commander in Chief
Crossing Jordan
CSI
CSI: Miami
CSI: NY
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Dark Angel
Dark Skies
DaVinci's Inquest
Dawson's Creek
Dead Like Me
Deadwood
Degrassi: The Next Generation
Designing Women
Desperate Housewives
Dexter
Dharma & Greg
Different Strokes
Doctor Who
Dragnet
Due South
ER
Everwood
Everybody Loves Raymond
Facts of Life
Family Guy
Farscape
Fawlty Towers
Felicity
Firefly
Frasier
Friends
Fringe
Futurama
Get Smart
Gilligan's Island
Gilmore Girls
Gossip Girl
Grey's Anatomy
Grange Hill
Growing Pains
Gunsmoke
Happy Days
Hercules: the Legendary Journeys
Heroes
Home Improvement
Homicide: Life on the Street
House
I Dream of Jeannie
I Love Lucy
Invader Zim
Invasion
Hell's Kitchen
JAG
Jackass
Joey
Kim Possible
Knight Rider
Knight Rider: 2008
Kung Fu
Kung Fu: The Legend Continues
La Femme Nikita
LA Law
Laverne and Shirley
Law and Order: SVU
Leverage
Little House on the Prairie
Lizzie McGuire
Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman
Lost
Lost in Space
MASH
MacGyver
Malcolm in the Middle
Married... With Children
McLeods Daughters
Melrose Place
Miami Vice
Mission: Impossible
Mod Squad
Monk
Mork & Mindy
Murphy Brown
My Life As A Dog
My Three Sons
My Two Dads
Mythbusters
NCIS
Ned Bigby's Declassified School Survival Guide
Nip/Tuck
Numb3rs
One Tree Hill
Oz
Perry Mason
Power Rangers
Press Gang
Prison Break
Private Practice
Privileged
Profiler
Project Runway
Psych
Pushing Daisies
Quantum Leap
Queer As Folk (US)
Queer as Folk (UK)
ReGenesis
Remington Steele
Rescue Me
Road Rules
ROME
Roseanne
Roswell
Sanctuary
Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?
Scrubs
Seaquest DSV
Seinfeld
Sex and the City
Six Feet Under
Slings and Arrows
Smallville
So Weird
South of Nowhere
South Park
Spongebob Squarepants
Star Trek
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Star Trek: Voyager
Star Trek: Enterprise
Stargate Atlantis
Stargate SG-1
Starsky & Hutch
Superman
Supernatural
Surface
Survivor
Taxi
Teen Titans
That 70's Show
That's So Raven
The 4400
The Addams Family
The Amazing Race
The Andy Griffith Show
The A-Team
The Avengers
The Beverly Hillbillies
The Brady Bunch
The Cosby Show
The Daily Show
The Dead Zone
The Dick Van Dyke Show
The Flintstones
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
The Golden Girls
The Honeymooners
The Jeffersons
The Jetsons
The Love Boat
The Magnificent Seven
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
The Monkees
The Munsters
The Office (US)
The Powerpuff Girls
The Pretender
The Real World
The Shield
The Simpsons
The Six Million Dollar Man
The Sopranos
The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
The Twilight Zone
The Waltons
The West Wing
The Wonder Years
The X-Files
Third Watch
Three's Company
Twin Peaks
Twitch City
Unfabulous
Ugly Betty
Veronica Mars
Weeds
Whose Line is it Anyway? (US)
Whose Line is it Anyway? (UK)
Will and Grace
Wings
Xena: Warrior Princess.
The L Word

hmmm scratches head

2009-06-08T21:48:59Z

8 - the Asserter

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").

"I must be strong"

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

Stand up for yourself... and me.
Be confident, strong, and direct.
Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
Give me space to be alone.
Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a EIGHT

being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a EIGHT

overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
putting too much pressure on myself
getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

EIGHTs as Children Often

are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
are sometimes loners
seize control so they won't be controlled
fugure out others' weaknesses
attack verbally or physically when provoked
take charge in the family because they perceive themselves asthe strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

EIGHTs as Parents

are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
are sometimes overprotective
can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

thud makes unintelligible sounds

2009-06-07T03:23:39Z

*blink* *blink* *closes jaw as it starts to ache*
I've just been promoted to run stores, except they didn't tell me about it first I found out by looking at my schedule, after missing a store.
*shakes head*
I don't like my chaos unless I'm controlling it.
Cuz this gobsmacked feeling.... is wicked scary.

Behold the awesomeness!!!

2009-05-21T03:57:59Z

Dreams
http://xkcd.com/

And now for something completely different

2009-05-17T17:25:15Z

I probably shouldn't post this...

2009-05-17T17:09:11Z

I’m thinking again and that can never be a good thing. It’s a tangled murky snarl inside my head that draws me in a quicksandy kind of way, with thoughts a twin for great white sharks roaming freely looking for chinks in the distractions I’ve chosen to use to help with the swim.

Introspecting is such a dangerous thing to do, especially for me, especially when I lose control of where I want the herded cats to meander. Relationships in particular are something best left alone. I cause my own degrading infinity loop if I start to think about them, predominantly the one that shattered my own realities so very badly.

I’m my own rock, relied on myself for my own support, always have done. Born out of a protective necessity, I was my own strength, sense of self; I did not define who I was, what I believed or any of those other inexpressible bits that make up the complicated mess I am by anyone else’s definitions or opinions and am usually reasonably content with being such an individual.

It’s because it’s May. At least I think that’s what it is, although there could be a million (ok more like thousands) of reasons or provocations causing this. Including ones I’m refusing to talk/think about at the moment.

So what happens when that stability that is you, shatters into infinitesimal pieces, when that sole core of you that you’ve so determinedly protected and built and fiercely believed in; when you chose to do the mind-fuckingly difficult and risky part of throwing yourself off a cliff. Deciding that the person you’re jumping for; you can actually trust to catch you, accept you; cracks, duct tape, super glue and all the complex little facets. How do you figure it out when your rock doesn’t fall to the ground but is scooped up, tossed into the air for batting practice and slammed to the bottom of the well with a sledge hammer?

It’s not even the money that was stolen that haunts me when I get like this, nor the loss of belongings. And no matter how much it still aches the lies, manipulation and being tossed aside still don’t amount to much, mistakes and bullshit happened on both sides of the equation.

Of course when someone manipulates another person into accusing you of rape it’s going to fuck you up a great deal.

The venom in a voice belonging to one of the people you fell in love with saying things like you little fucking bitch, you know what you did, you raped her, you aren’t worth shit and should be in jail. All the while sitting bewildered wanting to look at the phone to make sure it’s the person you think it is on the phone. And a growing sense of horror scalding its way down your body, as if you’ve been opened and boiling water poured along the inside of your skin. In a slow determined methodology, horror that not only have you been accused of doing such a abhorrent thing to someone you love more than just about anything and of abuse as well, but that the cherished and poisonous voice on the phone of believes the accusations. Believes that you somehow did these things to the person both of you love.

The Vikings had this thing known as the walk, where a condemned man hooked his intestines to a bloody great rock and walked around and around until he died, the longer he walked the more honor restored. Walking step by excruciating step feeling your insides slip and slide against one another, the tug as they go past muscle and skin meant to protect and contain fragile organs from the harshness of the world. The scream of nerve endings raw and exposed stretched to breaking points and beyond. Yeah it kinda felt a lot like that.

In 2005 my hand fasting was performed, on Beltane to someone I loved whole heartedly, stubborn as a mule, (you couldn’t teach/tell her something she had to beat her head against the wall till she figured it out), quick tempered (she used to dent walls, and her precious car when pissed off), jealous (something I mistakenly thought we’d sort out as time went on), goofy, had a love of all things involving fire, explosions and dragons, and far more survivor’s guilt then anyone knew (assuming it wasn’t a lie). She’d tell me I was her rock and I’d try to explain why that freaked me out, that it wasn’t fair to either of us, she needed to find her own strength and only look for extra support. (I was 24, she was 31) I pulled at and dismantled bits of my armour I thought were no longer necessary since they seemed to get in the way. We talked about more subjects then I can remember. I adjusted things I did, stepped back with things I normally wouldn’t have, thinking that it would help ease the fears that had been created with the damage from her past. (I was an idiot.)

I’ve never found out how much I got told were lies on either one of their parts, (I’m not blameless but I didn’t do some of the shit they did), I did find out there were a great deal more lies then I ever knew of, things said, stories told.

The elusive thing known as closure on the other hand I’ve never gotten. I did get a gut-wrenching pseudo message at one point years ago while I was still in Minnesota throwing me so bad it took me a while to decide what to do about it, before I responded in kind with the same blank message. (You could’ve knocked me down with a look when I got a thank you for the birthday wish messaged back.) The coward on the other hand has never said anything else nor attempted anything else, and although I’d dearly love to have the money stolen from my child back since it was to be used to set up a college fund for her. A chance to talk, or at the very least have the confirmation that I really don’t give a flying fuck about either of them anymore beyond a love of someone from the past, and a deep affection for a son I was learning how to call mine.

Sometimes the desire to scream and yell about it still manifests, but it’s grown weaker with age and disgust. Love tempered (yes I’m still that stupid, I was thinking love was a forever thing, not an “until I get pissed off at you” thing) but not completely gone, and I’ve mostly learned to accept it.

What drives me insane are the aftereffects. A fair few of which already existed, but have since been exacerbated greatly. A painful shyness I ruthlessly shove away since it gets in my way, unfortunately it’s a sneaky bastard and trips me up at the strangest times. A skittishness that gopher’s itself in and out of my sub-conscious just enough to irritate me for being so stupid, when I catch myself wondering what I’ve done wrong when I don’t hear from someone I’m starting to take a shine for. Pain also, and wanting to cry which just pisses me off all over again.

I like anger, I’m comfortable with it, I understand it, I can use it for the most part; that being said it’d be nice to get rid of a good portion of it. Tears just drive me nuts, I don’t quite know what to do with them, especially when the only one I can grab and hold for comfort, isn’t even eight yet and I won’t do that to her. Tears are also really fucking hard to stop. I’m a control freak so sue me; given the personality traits in my family I’m very certain it’s a genetic trait.

I have learned or at least gotten into the habit of informing people as brutally and upfront as possible that I’m extremely complicated and that I don’t know what I’m going to do next, that I almost never fit in just one little box and it’s their own bloody fault if I do something outside of the list they thought I was pegged in. I’m even more careful, probably coming off as callous more often than not, when I don’t display compassion for those who need help. I feel the desire to help more than a few of them, it’s just I’m not in a position to do so, and I cannot risk my own health for their own good. They just don’t matter as much as my own child, who needs me intact, sane and healthy enough to keep bumbling through being the only parent she has, the one main constant.

I don’t like the tears and memories I can’t control or change. I’m learning to accept them but I doubt very much I’m really going to ever like the sensation. I’m going to continue to withdraw into my own head to deal with my crap, it’s mine, and quite frankly it’s probably better that I do it this way, I can’t blame anyone else. I do firmly believe I need to hunt down a new therapist, one who likes clients who are “intense”, “complicated” and having PTSS/PTSD whatever the hell its currently being called I’m smart and self aware not trained in technical crazy terms (which I’m still not sold on) and who is most likely an undiagnosed ADHD adult. If only so I can get that oh so odd sensation of mixed !relief! and !dammit! sensations that something really is going on in my head and it’s not my imagination which would actually be its own problem and I’m going to stop that right now…

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, or where the hell I mean to go with it, I sure as hell didn’t think it would last this long. I stopped writing things down a long time ago, if it wasn’t written it wasn’t real, it also couldn’t be found and read. I didn’t write much in school, avoided homework until I couldn’t hid myself as much as I could with my work half worried someone perceptive enough would pick up on something in my assignment and I’d be sent yet again to some fuckwit who’d tell me to spread paint on a page fold it and tell them what I saw. (I was in third grade and told her it looked like one of those tests they make you take to see how you think because I couldn’t remember the name Rorschach, strangely that was the last time I went too.) I was so much of a cynic and so very jaded at 12, 13, and up that I wasn’t willing to trust any of them not to fuck up or betray me.

I got a little too good at it. A half assed attempt here and there pretty much assured me of that when what I’m thinking is an obviously clue is just glossed over. Writing a “story” in a class with a teacher who was new enough to not realize I didn’t write fictional stories, especially not with details that could give chills. By then I was a senior and just kinda rolled my eyes and kept moving, it’s what I do, truth be told this was the same halfwit (she nearly got killed flashing gang symbols in Chicago and used to do handstands in class, ten years isn’t going to change my opinion) who walked up one day and said I had a dream about you, I dreamed you wrote a book and became famous, Pulitzer, New York Times best-seller and all. (I told you she was half nutters, she’d taught in the bush for a while I think the frostbite went to her brain.)

My totem is the beaver, (okay fine, jokes out of your system now, cuz I know I went there and would be disappointed if no one else did.) And forgive me for going a little poetic or any other less flattering term, but when I poke at my damn dam (couldn’t resist) things seem to flood a bit. (With a current word count at over two thousand that should be obvious) If this happens when I do, and given how much I hate to admit I cry let alone ever let anyone else see me do it, and my worship at the idol of Spock’s control buoyed by a lifetime X-files philosophy club card holder. Does anyone every really wonder why half the time I put inane bullshit in my blog? At least that crap is easy to understand, saves me from questions I may not want to answer, and saves my fingers, mental processes and your eyes from complete exhaustion and myself from my own disgust at being lousy company.

Well crap I need another few words to make it to 2,200. The preceding rambling narrative is meant to be taken however you feel like and if you’ve actually read this far, thanks I think, but also are you flaming nuts?

What Does Your Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Say About You?

2009-05-15T06:17:54Z

Your PB and J Says You're Demure and Dainty

Your eating style is reserved. You are a bit of a fussy eater, and you have very specific ways you like your food prepared.

You don't really have a sweet tooth. If you go for dessert, you tend to go for something light.

Your taste in food tends to be quite eclectic and wide. You are an adventurous eater, and you like many types of cuisines.

You belong to a class that's all your own. You resist rules and traditions of any sort.

You are a tough person who isn't afraid to live life fully. There isn't a lot that scares you.

You are laid back and extremely easygoing. You never make a fuss, and you try to enjoy every moment.

What Does Your Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Say About You?

headdesk

2009-05-13T03:28:54Z

So the hearing aid was whistling and she couldn't understand me. So as I'm reaching for it so I can fix it, she takes it out.
Then looks at me and says, "now what were you saying?"

What Is Your Life Path Number?

2009-04-29T04:58:11Z

Your Life Path Number is 5

Your purpose in life is to life freely and collect experiences.

You love life - new adventures, new people, new ideas.
You are very curious, and you crave novelty in all forms.
You tend to make friends easily, and you enjoy the company of all types of people.

In love, you are fun and even a bit intoxicating. But you won't stick around for long.

You are impulsive and spontaneous - which sometimes leads you to do things you regret.
Sometimes you can be overindulgent with food, sex, or drugs.
You have many talents, so many that you are often scattered and unfocused.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

2009-04-29T03:43:42Z

Your Mind is NC-17 Rated

You're mind is so filthy... you should should be washing every part of you out with soap.
If your thoughts can go dirty, they do. Almost everything is NC-17 to you!

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

What Is Your Seduction Style?

2009-04-27T04:21:58Z

Your Seduction Style: The Dandy

You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations.
Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories.
It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you.
You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

What Big Cat Are You?

2009-04-21T21:40:23Z

You Are a White Tiger

You have a strong individualistic streak. You are unique and outspoken.
You have firm ideas of right and wrong. You will stand up for your unpopular beliefs with pride.

You believe that learning the truth is important. Even if it's ugly, uncomfortable, or awkward.
You give it to people straight, and you expect them to do the same. You can't stand ambiguity of any kind.

What Big Cat Are You?

What Kind of Soul Are You?

2009-03-10T17:47:44Z

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges.
You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions.
Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist.
Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!).

Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others.
And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you.
You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.
Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.

Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

What Type of Weather Are You?

2009-03-10T17:27:41Z

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

*snicker*

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

2009-03-10T17:25:23Z

Your Birth Month Says You're Gregarious

You love life and exude an outgoing, cheerful vibe.
Blessed with a great sense of humor, you can laugh at adversity.

Your soul reflects: Celebration, success, and wealth

Your gemstone: Blue Topaz

Your flower: Narcissus

Your colors: Indigo, green, and blue-green

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

What Do Your Initials Say About You?

2009-03-10T17:24:03Z

You Are Sunny and Inspiring

When You Are Comfortable:

You are quite quirky, and you enjoy doing things your own way. You are optimistic, and you've always got a good idea brewing.
People find you to be positive and uplifting. You make people feel good about themselves.

When You Are At Your Best:

You are a carefree, adventurous person. You love excitement, and you enjoy being in a changing, dynamic environment.
People find you to be funny, generous, and competent. You're well spoken, and you know how to wow people with your words.

When You Are in a Social Setting:

You are a hard worker. You need security and stability in your life, even if that means putting in long hours.
People see you as solid and dependable. You are always able to see the good in situations. Other find this comforting.

What Do Your Initials Say About You?

Association Asignation

2009-03-06T07:05:17Z

Association Meme: Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.
So I spotted this on my sister's LJ tristianmakhaiand decided to give it a go because it looked interesting and less randomly inane then what I've been tossing out recently.

Australia: Hmmm. My interest in Australia started when I was something like 5, not only was I interested in the country and animals etc, but anything else I could get my hand on about it. Wanted to move there, and stay for the rest of my life, couldn’t really explain why, it was just the one place I wanted to be. Right up until I discovered New Zealand, that pretty much chucked Aussie out the window, now don’t get me wrong it’s a beautiful country I’d be delighted to visit, but for some reason Kiwi land calls to me, tells me to make it my home. I’ve lived many places; some that can be described as the most exquisite sights you can ever have the intimidating pleasure of being dwarfed by, and yet I still crave travelling a hell of a lot further south then most people would for the sensation of home.

Xena: Oh gods it figures she’d give me this. First, there was Hercules, which was kinda awesome all on its own. I’m (rather obviously if you’ve read my LJ) decidedly fond of that sort of television/movie/book/various other media. I was raised on the altar that is Science Fiction and Fantasy. My deities consisted of Heinlein, Robinson, Pratchet, Asimov, Card, McCaffrey, Lackey, Roddenberry, Lucas, Ellison, and so many more I’d get distracted if I continued listing them. My parents and babysitter quite literally (excuse the pun) read me Heinlein and a few others when I was still cutting teeth. If it’s coming on the air, chances are I’m going to watch it, at least until I decide its rotting my brain in a bad way. Star Trek’s, anything in space, anything with that element of the surreal or unreal is pretty much guaranteed to get my attention at least briefly. So when Xena popped up on Hercules I was naturally already watching the show, but her… I dunno I liked her; gorgeous, wearing leather and beating the crap out of people what wasn’t there to like. When they gave Xena her own show… You’re damn straight (so to speak) I was watching. I forgave what faults it had, embraced them and promptly became a lot more obsessive then I let on to most people. I will still happily watch Xena, read the (good) fan fiction for it, actually I’m pretty sure Xena was the first fanfic realm I read on a regular basis. She taught me a few things about myself, introduced me to the idea of a friendship and a transcendent kind of love that I want to have in my life. The show was such a mix of insanity, love, philosophy, moral questions, cheesiness and camp, and while set in “Greece” showcased New Zealand wonderfully, that it means as much if not more today to the fans (I’d be one of em) as it did 10 years ago when it was inadvertently taking over the world.

Football: I’m going to guess that she meant American Football, not football/soccer. I’m not really sure what to write about football, I mean I played it, I still watch it on occasion, I’ve even looked into playing on the women’s teams in the area’s I’ve lived in, both the twin cities and Philly have teams. I played my junior and senior year of high school. I was the only girl on the team which, oddly, didn’t matter. Not to me or the boys, by this point I’d been used to being “the girl” in the welding class or in auto shop or who hung out with more boys than girls. As far as the boys were concerned it was me… after the initial ‘You’re coming out for football?’ the reaction was… hm cool… coaches only had to tell ‘em once that I was the same as any other player. After that eh… no drama, no hazing, no crap that they claim always happens in books/TV shows when girls play a “boy’s” sport. Maybe it was my school, or being Alaska, or because it was me, it’s possible it would’ve been a much bigger deal somewhere else.

I played offensive guard or defensive tackle, a lineman, I didn’t handle the ball I ran around and hit people; mostly I was a speed bump. I didn’t handle the ball for a good reason, I pretty much sucked, probably would’ve been much better had I started as a freshman (which was not going to happen for reason’s I’m not going to touch on) starting as a sophomore wasn’t an option as I was still healing from a sprained hip (NOT fun). I was not a star player (not even close), but I was on the team, course in my high school all you had to do was make it through practice and keep your grades above a F, didn’t mean you played a lot but you were on the team. I’m too damn stupidly stubborn to quit. I half went out because I, like the rest of the school, had heard girls claim they were going to try out and then the silly twits never followed through. My parents (at least my dad who sort of admitted it), didn’t expect me to carry through with it, which pissed me off (which admittedly doesn’t mean much since that’s my default reaction). I decided I could do it, I was a realist, I didn’t expect to do fantastically well (except maybe in a Walter Mitty fantasy moment), just to make it where no other girl had bothered to even try.

So not only did my insanely stubborn self tell people I was going out for football, I…gasp…did it. Shortly thereafter berating myself for being about thirty kinds of idiot and deciding I was insane, whilst running drills and feeling faintly nauseous from my head spinning from trying to understand plays (it took till my senior year after busting my knee till I got the hang of them unfortunately). We had these drills they called 240’s, sounds easy, NOT, so you’re in full pads, have already gone through two hours of practice, and you sprint, goalpost to goalpost, down and back, a total of 240 yards, first one or two are alright. After that it burns; legs and lungs are on fire (I’m asthmatic too btw) seven of the damn things are almost a mile, yeah yeah run a mile no big, reread the sentence, I said sprint. I wasn’t sure sometimes if I was going to survive (when I was feeling a little dramatic), but I’d be damned if I, the girl, more to the point this particular girl, was going to quit. Two a days were a specific kind of hell, which for the uninformed means two 2.5 hour practices in one day.

I hurt, ached, my legs felt all kinds of things I didn’t want to spend the time finding descriptive terms for, I had bruises on my arms from shoulder to knuckles, (good thing I was single some might’ve wondered if I needed help). I rolled at least one of my ankles my junior year and took to taping them both. I sprained my wrist both years, and managed somehow, although now I know I really shouldn’t have, put up with brutal shin splints. Courtesy of the anatomy classes I’ve since taken and the sports medicine I’ve learned that the bumps/lumps whatever along my shins are due to the shin splits and it’s actually a permanent kind of damage (oops). I don’t even remember if I told my folks about them, I’m pretty sure it didn’t occur to me to say anything. I didn’t want to have the argument that if I was hurting so much I shouldn’t play if I was going to complain. I have no idea if that’s how the convo would’ve gone down. But that was my reasoning, I’m the oldest, I was the responsible one who pulled weight not asked for help. I dislocated my left knee causing minor damage to tendons at the same time. I also spent an inordinate amount of time picking myself back up off the grass after perusing the sky yet again because I’d be knocked on my ass yet again.

I LOVED IT. I’d do it again in a heartbeat, I had an outlet for my temper, I got to hit people, and get run over, the team part was alright, but the unfettered freedom to be as aggressive as I preferred to be was expected and encouraged, it was great! I was the only girl but I didn’t give a rat’s ass, notoriety didn’t matter, it was a small school people knew who I was because I was a bitch anyway, then I was the bitch who played football, rode a motorcycle and was in calculus and physics to boot. Heh. I proved my own stubbornness to myself, I learned I could on occasion shut my overactive brain up, and that I didn’t suck at physical stuff quite as much as I thought I did.

Welding: Now welding I ended up taking in grade eight, because I didn’t want to take home economics, I already knew what they were going to teach us, and well… ugh. The only other option was the welding class, I figured what the hell. Then I turned out to be good at it, I did better with gas welding, due to some (understandable considering my heart history) trepidation to handling that much electricity.

But you see, the thing about welding is when things are going right, and you are manipulating thousands of degrees of molten metal concentrated into a single small puddle, the world narrows and nothing matters as much but what you are creating causing and controlling in front of you. It’s a very Zen kind of sensation, sort of a peace underneath the hood, feet braced, hands moving in concert, breathing steady and controlled. Destruction and creation, life affirming warmth and frightening inferno, balance and chaos all contained in a couple square centimeters of focus.

Koalas: Hmm, I probably should’ve tossed this one up along with Australia, since it was my fascination with the fuzzies that led to my interest in Australia. They were/are the coolest animals, I loved them along with Pandas, bears who weren’t really bears. For some reason I have this absorption with things that aren’t quite what they seem. Which if you want to get all psychoanalytical about it, might be because I don’t fit in boxes, bisexual, non-specified pagan, mixed race, meat and veggies on my pizza, working in the field or in an office, I just kinda thrive on existing (somewhat happily) in more than one stupid little category.

Because I am very bored and surfing random blogs

2009-02-28T23:17:30Z

I found this on geekgrrl's blog and had to do it
http://bluebuddies.com/smurf_fun/smurf_personality_test/smurf_personality_test.htm

This one I found on someone else's.

Your Language Arts Grade: 92%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Take More Quizzes

What's your inner spirit?

Tiger
You are fierce and wild. You tend to outrun everyone else in everything you do and you enjoy laying about or sleeping.

How do you compare?
Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic</font>

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because I currently have nothing better to do

2009-02-24T20:30:15Z

Damn I'm a really big freakin' dork.

So I was wandering around my mailbox and found this...

2009-02-12T22:02:32Z

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows
that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997,
and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born
and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all
the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my
driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all
those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before
being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also. would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be
absolutely f * cking astounded if that ever changed between now and
when I drop dead!!!...

SH * T!

I apologise, Mr. Minister.But I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh * t! You send
the application to my house, then you ask me for my f * cking
address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang
of mindless Neanderthal arseh * les workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New
Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a
Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh
* t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever
got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you
me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
city, and get another f * cking copy of my birth certificate, and to
part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot,
to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo..
That'd be too f * cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would
much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with
our f * cking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society
wanker to confirm that it's really me in the god-damn photo! You know
the photo..the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ...you f * cking
morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone
in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in
this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up
arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)I have
also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years
(I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL. And Lt General
Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to
verify who I am; You know… someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND
RAISED IN F * CKING PAKISTAN!!!. .....a country where they either
assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from
the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

You are all f * cking idiots.

My new hero

2008-11-13T23:35:13Z

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/27652443#27652443

</lj-embed>

This is my truth.

so....

*laughing hysterically*

mmmm coffee

this appeals to me for whatever reason

brightfyre @ 2009-06-13T01:57:00

hmmm *scratches head*

8 - the Asserter

"I must be strong"

*thud* *makes unintelligible sounds*

Behold the awesomeness!!!

And now for something completely different

I probably shouldn't post this...

What Does Your Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Say About You?

*headdesk*

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

What Is Your Seduction Style?

What Big Cat Are You?

What Kind of Soul Are You?

What Type of Weather Are You?

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

What Do Your Initials Say About You?

Association Asignation

Because I am very bored and surfing random blogs

because I currently have nothing better to do

So I was wandering around my mailbox and found this...

My new hero

laughing hysterically

hmmm scratches head

thud makes unintelligible sounds

headdesk